1. The statement "I promise not to cum in your mouth" is always a lie!



2. The words: I'm always a top - are usually negotiable!



3. If youre paying for a blowjob, take your wallet out of your back pocket before you cum! If you lose your head - you may just lose that wallet!



4. When your lubed up about to get a good fucking - reach around and make sure he put the condom on his cock. Some guys will make sure that you see them open it, and then toss it on the floor while your legs are in the air!



5. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!



6. Don't vacation in South Beach with your partner if you're in a monogamous relationship and want to keep it that way!



7. Don't bottom in the sand unless you're on a towel !



8. Don't wear drag in Brooklyn unless you can fight in it!




9. Never invite and old boyfriend and a new one to the same party!


10. Put at least fifteen percent of every paycheck in the bank and leave it there!


11. Never ejaculate on anything labeled DRY CLEAN ONLY



12. As soon as you say: "Cum on my face" Close Your Eyes!


13. The only place you'll be in a threeway with two gorgeous, big-dicked cops after the bars close - is on the internet!



14. The hotter you are - the more flexible the "OVER AGE 21 ONLY" rule is at a gay bar.


15. If your date has a big dog in the next room - always close the bedroom door before you fuck him! Dog's don't like it if they think that you're hurting their master! Dog's really are a man's best friend!



16. At my house there are physical limits to what can be done with a REALLY BIG BIG BIG COCK!


17. The head of an uncut cock is WAY MORE SENSITIVE than the head of a circumcized cock.


19. Lease Cars - Buy Property


19. The flatter your stomach - The bigger your cock appears - therefore the bigger your stomach - The smaller your cock appears.



20. If you cant wait for your date to end, so that you can rim your guy's ass - Don't choose a Mexican restaurant!


21. If you flush enough condoms down the toilet - you WILL see them again!


22. Don't use anything made of silk as a cum rag!



23. If there's a computer in his bedroom - Make sure his webcam is turned off and not pointed toward the bed unless your ready for your closeup!


24. They don't make strong enough makeup to hide a pimple on your ass.


25. Never fuck the guy you webmaster for! - (Based on Way Too Much Personal Information!)



26. If there's a guy you want soo badly....and know that you could never get - He's too perfect, He's oo Hot etc...But you get him anyway! - (FUCK HIM ONCE AND GET OUT) Seems like the truly MAGNIFICENT LOOKING FAGS ARE ALWAYS THE MOST FUCKED UP!


27. Paying for a Hot, Half Naked, Male Las Vegas Prostitute wearing a "SUCK MACHINE" Tshirt for sex is ILLEGAL!


28. You cannot get into HUSTLABALL LAS VEGAS with a Gay Porn Star if he doesn't have his I.D. - Why? Everyone Else knows that he was waiting a month for his 21st Birthday except you!



29. The P&O Ferry from Cherbourg, France to South Hampton, UK has a communal shower on it's lower level. The showers are PACKED FULL of guys cleaning up for early business meetings the following day! -There's also a private one your cabin - but nothing's going on in there! Warning: Crossing In rough seas may mean that you'll be walking a little funny upon arrival in England!



30. Gay Pride Week in NY City is chock full o nuts! and full of the nicest, most friendly gay guys and girls in the enire world! (Special Shout Out to the Dykes on Bikes I met last year!)


31. South Beach Parks should be avoided at night if you do not want blatant straight-forward invitations to get your cock sucked!



32. Younger is Not Always Better! Case in Point - Drew Carey has RUINED Bob Barker's: The Price Is Right!



33. The only big drawback to fucking in the woods is... Poison Ivy!


34. There's some gay internet porn featuring HOT GUYS that is so scary, you could NEVER get off while watching it.


35. Licking whipped cream off a sweet ass is awesome, but pouring champagne on an ass thats just been brutally fucked....BURNS!!!



36. There's a sector of the gay population that I equate very closely to gay vampires. Rich old queens that are so full of hot young stud semen that it oozes from their pores when they're in the sauna. Youth is indeed fleeting, and it's true that beauty fades - but you can rent it back in one hour increments if you save your money.




37. Hollywood Travelogues tell you to stay away from Sunset Boulevard at night. - I've learned that's Bullshit! In the wee hours, in the area from the corner of Sunset and LaBrea down to Highland I've seen Snoop Dog, Charlie Sheen, Suzanne Summers, both Siegried and Roy (pre-animal attack), Nicole Richie, Falcon Studios' Roman Heart, Katie Wagner (Natalie Wood's Daughter), and a BUTT LOAD of celebrities ... When it's late and everything else is closed, they need condoms, Slim Jims, nail polish remover and cigarettes just like everyone else.



38. There are virtually NO gay bodybuilders in the Mile High Club. It's almost a physical impossibility. Learned after 4 failed attempts to get two grown men into the lavatory on a Nothwest Orient DC-10 from Frankfurt to Boston - getting more than one occasional dirty look from Senator Ted Kennedy.



39. Oil based lubricants and Pratesi bed sheets should never occupy the same room. (Yes I do realize that many of the 100 things I've learned as a gay men are laundry -related) ...and I dont have nearly the success Kelly Ripa does with that TIDE TO GO instant stain remover!




40. The son that my father's new wife had before she married my dad, is, or WAS, fair game and fucking him was in no way incestuous.. IN NO WAY! No bloodlines are the same and it was completely allright! Listen to me God Dammit!



41. Always take your OWN Anti-bacterial wipes to tanning salons. The beds are occasionally used for more than tanning.




42. If you are ANTI -TITTY like me... Gird your loins before attending any Adult Internet Trade Show! Especially Internext Las Vegas!




43. There's a condition I refer to quite often as "TBS" that some gay men have. It's TINY BUTTHOLE SYNDROME! and as much as you're a true BOTTOM in your mind, There are some doors that just wont open wide enough to let a good thing in.



44. Sandra Bernhard and I are absolutely meant to be friends. It doesn't matter that you think the same thing... there's a connection between us, and I just know it! and NO It's NOT every gay man's dream! It's true! We're soulmates! You don't get what I'm saying... Oh shut up!



45. Due to the constant shaving and waxing - a gay bodybuilder's ENTIRE GORGEOUS BODY feels like a rough scratchy beard a couple hours after each depilation.


46. Bible Thumpers always forget that Biblically All Men are made in God's Image, NOT JUST STRAIGHT MEN.



47. I dont care what all of the haters say: DAMON KRUEZER AND KRUEZERATNIGHT is a guilty pleasure ... and it's as dangerous as a bag of greasy potato chips. Once you start, you just cannot stop! YOU GO DAMON! (click the photo to enlarge - Snacks for Gay Men?)



48. I will never have as much fun watching television as I did when Queer As Folk ruled Showtime's airwaves.


49. If you spend your entire life trying to get that sweet young thing into a relationship, YOU WILL PAY FOR IT FOREVER!


50. Heed every word of the medical advice that is posted at Tanning Salons behind the counter. Sure it's as safe as lying in the sun - That will wrinkle you too, and create little moles that can be dangerous years later. Spray tans are better! Especially if theyre applied by a young latino!


51. You are NEVER FUCKING as quietly as you think you are!